A Journey Without Maps

"Faith is better understood as a verb than as a noun, as a process than as a possession. It is on-again-off-again rather than once-and-for-all. Faith is not being sure where you're going but going anyway. A journey without maps." - Frederick Buechner

Journey. I really love that word. It awakens something in me that I cannot explain. It seems so...infinite and inviting.

Infinite because it seems to capture the endless possibilities and lessons to be learned in this life. Also because as Christians we know that we are not Home yet, but we're ever on our way. Sometimes that way is treacherous. Sometimes it is wondrous. Most of the time it falls somewhere in between.

Inviting because it seems so...communal. The idea of journey seems to imply that there are others on the road with us. Oh sure, sometimes it seems as if we are all alone on our journey. Like we are being asked to walk this endless road by ourselves. We feel lonely, abandoned, and utterly isolated. But it is all an illusion. There is at least that eternal Someone there beside us and often countless others surrounding us seeking to walk the same path. On our best days there's a tangible person or two with whom we can share the ups and downs of the journey who has chosen to take the journey, too.

I am at a point in my journey where I am exhilarated by the idea that it is a journey without maps. If you had asked me a year ago how I felt about it, the answer would have been different. I felt isolated and alone and angry that I didn't have a blueprint for the journey. There's no blueprint or map right now for any part of my life and I'm loving it! I feel excited about what is ahead even though I see it not.

Why the extremes in response to this journey without maps? Well, the easy answer is that I am human. It happens. The better answer is that I find myself trusting God to a greater degree at this point in the journey. My vision is clear and I am able to see how He has guided me through the mountaintops and valleys of my life and that He continues to do so now.

Ask me again in a year and I might have different thoughts (depending on the day). For now, I'm excited about what is around the next corner and cannot wait to see where He is leading me. I also look forward to sharing this journey with the unbelievable people He has placed in my life who can remind me what I've said here today when I find myself in the less-than-enthusiastic camp...

Fear Conquered

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." - 1 John 4:18

These words, while a beautiful thought, have always sort of haunted me. They replay in my mind when I find that I have not quite conquered fear in my life (a daily...or at least weekly occurence!). I have learned to fight through fear and just go for it in most circumstances. And while this can be a good quality, I think it has largely kept me from experiencing what this verse really means.

As is always the case, my devotional brought up the same theme. I have found that when God is trying to teach me something, He exhausts all avenues. The same idea seems to surface everywhere I turn. When I finally sat down to ready my devotional the other day, here is what I found:

"When the story is over, the fear will be conquered; God will have delivered. The troubles will be mastered, and God will have freed the believer. The needs in life will have been met, and God will have provided for every need." - Dennis Kinlaw, This Day with the Master, August 12

I immediately called to mind the verse listed above. "There is no fear in love...perfect love drives out fear" kept replaying in my mind like a broken record. Those words and Kinlaw's words convicted me and caused a longing to awaken in me. The refrain is not unfamiliar to me...

I kept thinking...I want fear to be conquered in my life now. I want to be freed from worry and fear now. I want my needs to be met now. I just want to live free in the now.

Then it happened. I had what I like to call a "mini-ephiphany." A moment of absolute clarity where it all just comes together for me. I don't imagine it will be earth-shattering for many of you but I thought I'd share it anyway.

As I sat and reflected about that verse and what I had read in my devotional, it all just began to make perfect sense to me. I don't have to conquer fear. I don't have to try and free myself from worry. I don't have to know how everything is going to work and how. It is not up to me to have that perfect love that drives out fear. I just have to cling to the One who does...

It occurs to me that I might be making sense to no one but myself at this point, so let me put it differently. It seems to me that the verse should read (at least in our minds), "There is no fear in love because God is love. God, who is perfect love, drives out our fear. He drives it out because fear has to do with punishment and those of us who love and live in God know that this is not the end of the story. We need not fear because we are covered by the perfect love of God."

I knew it before, but it became clearer to me the other day...it is not up to me. I'll still have fear here and there, but I need not try to conquer it on my own. I'll just allow myself to be embraced by the One who embodies the perfect love and has the power to drive it out.

I'm done fighting through my fears on my own. Where has it gotten me anyway? Maybe it has made me a little "tougher" or (worse) given me some sense of false pride in my ability to overcome. It never lasts...and it shouldn't.

I am determined to live free in this life. I believe I can, not because I have the power to do so, but because I know the One who does. And there is no fear in Him...

Just for Fun

I thought this was hilarious. Check out the Weinermobile Woes.

Movie Preview

My friend Cindy alerted me to this forthcoming movie on her blog a while ago. I just got around to watching the trailer...and I'm hooked. Please take a moment to view the trailer. Then promptly go and mark your calendars for the release date (October 19, 2007). You won't want to miss August Rush. The cast is phenomenal and the concept is original and looks to be deeply moving.

A Glimpse of Jesus

"God is tender and loves us as just as we are, not in spite of our sins and faults, but with them. God does not condone or sanction evil, but he does not withhold his love because there is evil in us. The key to this understanding is the way we feel about ourselves. We cannot stand or accept love from another human being when we do not love ourselves, much less believe or accept that God could possibly love us." -- Brennan Manning, A Glimpse of Jesus

I am currently reading A Glimpse of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I loved Ragamuffin Gospel and every thought I've ever read by this remarkable man. This book is no exception. I read Ragamuffin Gospel relatively quickly because it was so good. While this book is equally as good, I am reading it slowly. In part because I have been a bit busy as-of-late. But mostly because of the subtitle. The whole title reads like this: A Glimpse of Jesus: The Stranger to Self-Hatred.
Wow.

While I don't hate myself, I know it won't surprise my handful of readers to hear me confess that I have difficulty receiving love. From God or anyone, really. I look at others who struggle the same and I cannot understand it. I have no trouble seeing how other people (even ones who frustrate me!) are deserving of love. I just have trouble receiving it myself. And the Lord has (humorously) surrounded me with an unbelievably loving family, loving friends, and companions on this journey. He is desperately trying to show me how he loves me through others. And I know that he does...I just don't know that I know that I know.

I venture to say many of you feel at least partially the same. Or maybe you don't. Either way, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. It is a lingering difficulty in my life. It has been alleviated during brief seasons in my life, but it still seems to loom behind me. I long to be set free of this feeling and I believe that God desires that for me (and you!). But how?

For now, I am learning a lot from this book and what Manning pulls from the Word. I feel layers being lifted and I am loving it, but I have a long way to go!

Random Find of the Day

I have just returned from the local Christian bookstore. I went to browse their Bible study material to see if I could find any possibilities for my college students. While that might not seem all that interesting, it was. It was, at the very least, enlightening...

While there I could not resist the card section. I am sucker for good cards (Though there are very few good ones these days in the Christian book stores...sad, but true.). I noticed something ironic.

There was no section for "love." Interesting. Disturbing. Ironic. Sad.

Isn't that a central principle for us? And shouldn't we be about love...sustaining marriages and relationships and expressing love to each other? As it is, most of the books on relationships in the Christian bookstore I went to (a national chain) assumed not love...but difficulty and problems. The titles were mostly negative. The ones that weren't were more of a "how-to" guide to finding your mate. Those leave a bad taste in my mouth.

So, what does this say about us (Christians, the Church)?

Freedom and Relief

The subtitle on my blog says that it will be about life, faith, and living free. That said, I thought this quote was worth sharing. Enjoy...

"My praying friend, continue to make known your desires to God in all things. It is when we can speak with one another about anything and everything that conversation really affords us freedom and relief. Let Him decide whether you are to receive what you ask for or not." - O. Hallesby

Things that Disturb/Annoy Me...

Walking out of a bathroom with two un-purchased books at a local bookstore…

Non hand-washers…especially at a bookstore or restaurant!

Texting while driving

Strangers who have what my friend Julie calls “verbal diarrhea” all over you…

Changing a baby’s diaper somewhere other than the bathroom…

Public breast-feeding

40+ year-old women wearing halters

Toupees (Especially on married men. I mean, all sense of intimacy would be lost when he took that thing off to go to bed…)

Comb-overs

Hair helmets on older (or younger, for that matter) women

Men who wear eyeliner (except maybe that guy from Green Day...)

Smacking

Those shoes with the wheels on them

Little girls in strapless dresses

Jeans that are entirely too low rise (i.e. – seeing a bare rear end on a man or woman while shopping etc.)

Riding a motorcycle without a helmet

Speedos®

Parents who let their kids run all over the place (especially in restaurants)

Walking into a public place (restaurant, mall, etc.) without shoes

Consider this a work in progress...I am sure I will add to it often! Feel free to add your own!!

Trinitarian Ministry

I am reading a wonderful book by Steve Seamands these days called, "Ministry in the Image of God." One of the great things about this book is that Seamands prolifically quotes others. I am a lover of quotes and the communion of saints...so, I am loving this book! I picked it up in a bookstore in Arkansas off the bargain table for just a few dollars (I still don't understand what it was doing on that table!). It has been well worth it! Below is a quote Seamands included from C.S. Lewis on Trinitarian ministry that I thought you might enjoy.

"The whole dance, or drama, or pattern of this three-Personal life is to be played out in each one of us; or (putting it the other way round) each one of us has got to enter that pattern, take his place in the dance. Good things as well as bad, you know, are caught by a kind of infection. If you want to get warm you must stand near the fire; if you want to be wet you must get into the water. If you want joy, power, peace, eternal life, you must get close to, or even into, the thing that has them. If you are close to it, the spray will wet you: if you are not, you will remain dry." - C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Pensiveness...

I am feeling...pensive tonight. Melancholy. I think it is due in part to my lack of social contact with many people today. I ran some errands and mostly sat around the house. This is good for me, as I have been going and going and going for the past few weeks. To the beach. To rural Alabama. To a family reunion. Back to Auburn. Moving to Arkansas. I have been going non-stop these past few weeks. I needed some down time...some alone time to reflect on the whirlwind that is my life.

It might surprise those of you who know me well to find out that I love just being alone. Oh sure...I am a people person. I am deeply invested in my family and friends. It is life-giving for me to see or speak to the people I love most in the world. I am deeply relational. But I desperately need big pockets of time alone to reflect and relax (two things I don't do often enough).

Today was one of those days. It was good and difficult. When I get too much time without contact with others, I think too much and over-analyze the details of my life. I'm not sure if that is a good or bad thing at this point...we'll just have to see.

I talked with a handful of people by phone today that I've been missing for weeks. This was good and bad, too. Made me miss them and wish that there was someway we could create some sort of ideal village where we could all co-exist somehow. I think this way often, as the people I love most in the world are far from me these days...I wonder why God would give us to each other only to separate us like this. Then I remember that we are all where God wants us right now...and I feel a little better. I am still holding out hope for that ideal village...

My thoughts also turn to the positive. I wonder how in the world I arrived right here in just a matter of a few weeks. I am back in Fayetteville, Arkansas at a place I love and job I am sure to love. I am close enough to my family that I could just randomly decide to go home...and that is nice for a change. I think this is the start of a new and beautiful season in my life.

So, this pensive feeling...I'm not sure what to do with it. It is very real, but I'm not sure why I am feeling it so strongly. I guess it is not all bad to feel a bit melancholy and contemplative. Maybe some sleep will shake the sadness...or maybe your prayers?

Thank you...and good night. :)

Divine Resemblance...

"O Lord Jesus Christ, save us from the error of wishing to admire you instead of being willing to follow you and resemble you." - Soren Kierkegaard

[I promise a new post as soon as the boxes are unpacked. For now, enjoy this prayer.]

Dancing...

Just a quote I ran across today that has everything to do with my blog and my understanding of this life of faith...

"You...cling to Jesus! You...give your life to Jesus! It'll be wild. It'll be unpredictable. It'll be dangerous. But, man will you know how to dance!" - Mike Yaconelli (1942-2003)

Forgiveness Quote

"Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean again." -- Dag Hammarskjold

Moving Woes...

Moving is the pits. I hate the packing. I hate the goodbyes. I hate the overwhelming feeling of it all. It is exhausting just to think about getting it all done, much less actually doing it! I am determined to get it all done before my movers (a.k.a. - the parents) get here on Thursday.

It is not looking good.

I took a fun trip to Arkansas this past week for a family reunion. While it was a great trip and a great visit with family, it was likely not the best decision I have ever made. Due to the whirlwind nature of the trip (and two other trips within the week that total at least 36 hours in the car), I have gotten nothing done. And by nothing I mean...nothing. I have no boxes. I have no newspapers. I just have a big, fat, overwhelming mess to deal with.

Commence praying for me NOW! More specifically, pray for my parents and for Jason who will be helping me. I tend to get just a little unpleasant during the packing process. This will not be fun for them...

Then there is the actual leaving part. This is hard for an emotional girl like myself. I have held it together pretty well so far. This is likely due to my lack of sleep over the last several weeks. It has little to do with my being exceptionally emotionally stable. I am due for a good cry about all of this...so pray for that to be timely.

On the flipside, I am more than excited about my new place of residence. There's a yard and everything. Real, living grass...something I do not have at my current place (everything is dead and gray there...). My roommate is a friend from my sorority days in college (go ahead and laugh...) and she is a world of fun. My neighbors are old friends of mine, too. It is wild how it has all worked out. It is a great house in a great neighborhood near a golf course. Perhaps I will learn to golf. Who knows?!

The job that is waiting for me looks to be fantastic in every way. Great staff of people I already know and love in a church I know and love, too. Plus, I'll be miles from my little sister and an easy drive from the rest of my family. My little sister is already planning a big party for me...yippee!

So, if you think about it in the next several days...say a few prayers for me. Pray that I'll have peace in the process. Maybe even pray that packing will be fun. Pray for good goodbyes. Pray for safe travels. Pray for a good sense of humor in the midst of it all.

Thankyouverymuch...

Unbelievable and Unexpected

A friend of mine just sent this to me and just told me to watch it. I am asking you to trust me and do the same. Please take the time to watch at least the first of these videos. I promise you it will surprise you and make your day...

Paul Potts 1

Paul Potts 2

Paul Potts 3

Still Me

In case all two of my readers wonder if I have had any typically "Julie" moments in the last few months (since the communion debacle and/or the thumb incident -- see February and March posts). You'll be glad to know that the answer is a resounding, "Yes!"

I haven't fallen down much lately (I will probably eat my words later today because I just wrote that. Anticipate the post!). However, I have done some pretty scatterbrained things in the last few days. The biggest of which happened just two days ago.

I spent some time at the beach this past week. As a side note...it was wonderful. I am not the best at resting and relaxing (who knew?!), but I did just that in Gulf Shores, Alabama for a few days. The weather was perfect and the water was incredibly clear. I loved every minute of it.

On our way home from the beach, I realized (just thirty minutes from my apartment) that I didn't know where my keys were. Um...I left them in someone else's car. And this someone was a good three hours from us at that point.

Yes...I was a gifted child.

Why I did not think to make sure I had them prior to leaving the beach I do not know. But, alas...I did not. Upon my discovery, I freaked out (also shocking, I know!). I was so mad at myself. My traveling companion (Jason) did not share my anxiety. He calmly picked up the phone, called his mother, and confirmed that my keys were with her. Without missing a beat, he determined that we would just drive there that night or the next day to get them.

What?!

Who does that? I thought he should be at least a little angry with me. This was a stupid thing I had done and it would mean us driving a total of six additional hours to retrieve the said keys. Had I discovered my ignorance earlier, we would have been able to meet up with his parents and drive on home. I am not that quick, though...so this was going to be costly. The boy was completely calm, cool, and collected. I have never seen anything like it. I tried to give him room to be mad...he just wasn't.

I tell this story for two reasons:

a) Because it is a classic "Julie" moment. Who does crap like this at my age? Honestly.

b) Because the whole random, ridiculous experience really ministered to me. Who does what Jason did? I mean I was mad at me...I could not understand why he was not. This is how he is on a daily basis, though.

And this, my friends, is how God is teaching me a little about Himself and how He deals with me, too. I give myself little grace, but God gives it abundantly. I wish I could wrap my head around that...

I hope this post confirms that I am still me and fills your need-to-know about my little life. More later this week...

What is Needful for the Road

Something I stumbled across in my collection of quotes and prayers today. I am learning the truth of this in my life right now in a thousand ways...

"It is well for those who find themselves in the dark night of the soul to persevere in patience...Let them trust in God, who does not abandon those who seek God with a simple and right heart, and will not fail to give them what is needful for the road, until he brings them into the clear and pure light of love." -- St. John of the Cross

To Such As These...

Last night I offered a sermon about the text from Mark 10:13-16 where Jesus says the kingdom belongs to children. This brief discourse (also found in Matthew and Luke) has consistently challenged me as I have grown. What does it mean to mature in our faith and maintain our childlike love of Him? What does it look like for us to be utterly dependent on Him while seeking to be dependable to others? These and countless other questions swirl in my head as I read a passage like this. I know that mostly God is just asking me to return to the simplicity of childhood and remember how much I need Him (like a child needs his parents). I get that, but I am but a poor example of it.

I ran across these words from Frederick Buechner this afternoon. I really wish I would've found it yesterday, as it captures everything I tried to say last night. Isn't that always the way?!

"Two thousand years of homiletic sentimentalizing to the contrary notwithstanding, Jesus was not playing Captain Kangaroo. He was saying that the people who get into Heaven are people, who, like children, don't worry about it too much. They are people who, like children, live with their hands open more than with their fists clenched. They are people who, like children, are so relatively unburdened by preconceptions that if somebody says there is a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, they are perfectly willing to go take a look for themselves."

What about the rest of us?!

Take a look at these photos I have been admiring lately. The photos were taken by my friend Rob who is off on adventure in Alaska. The pictures he has taken of the scenery there will make you want to jump on the next plane so you can see it for yourself. In lieu of that, enjoy his photos. While you are there, take a look at the other albums. I am pretty sure Rob can make anything look beautiful (take a look at the album called "macro-tastic")!

In addition to being a fantastic photographer, Rob is also extremely smart, an excellent singer, unbelievably creative (In the third picture in "me," he's looking through a piece of art he made from paint sample squares!), a great speaker, deeply loyal, an expert practical joker, and a lover of Jesus (and good pizza!). He's so gifted, sometimes I feel like it is unfair to the rest of us. But Rob is also genuinely humble, so it is hard to stay jealous...

Anyhow, enjoy the photos!

Failing with Jesus

"I've been saying across the years that in the Cross is the Victory, and now I have to pick up that Cross in a new sense and show that it is the Victory! As I have said, I may fail, but I would rather fail with Jesus than succeed with anybody else, for to be with Jesus is the Victory. He doesn't defend the Victory; he is the Victory." - E. Stanley Jones

[These words appear in the book The Divine Yes, written by E. Stanley Jones after he suffered a massive stroke. The book is exceptional in its ability to both encourage and challenge any Christian seeking meaning and depth in their relationship with Christ and others.]