Waiting WITH

So...at first glance, the "Word of the Week" last week did not go well. In fact, this week found me possibly more impatient and unwilling to WAIT than usual. Perhaps this is because Tax Day came and went (along with some money, I might add...). Or maybe it is because I spent the better part of another week WAITING to see what the future holds for me both vocationally and personally. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that all I really did last week was WAIT: for the weekend, for Jason to come home, for e-mails, for phone calls. Needless to say, I did not WAIT well. It was a somewhat frustrating week. I was terribly aware of the WAITING and not-so-good-at-it. I am not entirely proud of this fact.

All excuses aside for my attitude toward the many ways I am WAITING lately, I do think I learned a little something this week. I learned that I cannot WAIT alone. I need to let myself WAIT with God, with Jason, with family and friends. I need to wait forwardly and expectantly, trusting in God to guide and provide. Herein lies the problem, really. I try too hard to WAIT alone and I lack the necessary trust in God most of the time. I have these pockets of realization that I cannot go it alone and they are hopeful and freeing moments. I need to give in to them much more. This will make the WAITING - no matter how long - much less frustrating and much more life-giving.

You see, we are called to live while we WAIT. We are not just to sit idly by and WAIT for whatever is next. The Scriptures point to an active WAITING for God and, more specifically, WAITING for His return. We are to be watchful, alert, and decidedly not alone. In that beloved passage in Isaiah that is quoted and printed everywhere, the prophet says, "THEY that WAIT upon the Lord will renew THEIR strength..." (40:31). The Psalms encourage us to "wait in expectation" (3:3). Psalm 33 even encourages singing and making music to the Lord as we "wait in hope" for the Lord who is worthy of our trust (20).

I am determined to be better at this WAITING thing. If it is a theme of my life right now I had better make my peace with it. This brings me to the new word of the week. WITH. I think this little preposition is a powerful one. It came to me while I was reflecting on WAITING. There is no better way to WAIT than WITH: the Lord, my full-of-faith-and-trust husband, and the countless others God has graciously given me. I am excited about reflection on our new word of the week and maybe learning to WAIT better because of it!

{The picture above is from the Victory Gardens at Callaway Garden's in Pine Mountain, Georgia...just minutes from our home! I included it because it reminds me that while we must WAIT, there is beauty on the otherside of the WAITING. It also reminds me that it takes a lot of time and care for such a result.}

A Journey Without Maps

"Faith is better understood as a verb than as a noun, as a process than as a possession. It is on-again-off-again rather than once-and-for-all. Faith is not being sure where you're going but going anyway. A journey without maps." - Frederick Buechner

Journey. I really love that word. It awakens something in me that I cannot explain. It seems so...infinite and inviting.

Infinite because it seems to capture the endless possibilities and lessons to be learned in this life. Also because as Christians we know that we are not Home yet, but we're ever on our way. Sometimes that way is treacherous. Sometimes it is wondrous. Most of the time it falls somewhere in between.

Inviting because it seems so...communal. The idea of journey seems to imply that there are others on the road with us. Oh sure, sometimes it seems as if we are all alone on our journey. Like we are being asked to walk this endless road by ourselves. We feel lonely, abandoned, and utterly isolated. But it is all an illusion. There is at least that eternal Someone there beside us and often countless others surrounding us seeking to walk the same path. On our best days there's a tangible person or two with whom we can share the ups and downs of the journey who has chosen to take the journey, too.

I am at a point in my journey where I am exhilarated by the idea that it is a journey without maps. If you had asked me a year ago how I felt about it, the answer would have been different. I felt isolated and alone and angry that I didn't have a blueprint for the journey. There's no blueprint or map right now for any part of my life and I'm loving it! I feel excited about what is ahead even though I see it not.

Why the extremes in response to this journey without maps? Well, the easy answer is that I am human. It happens. The better answer is that I find myself trusting God to a greater degree at this point in the journey. My vision is clear and I am able to see how He has guided me through the mountaintops and valleys of my life and that He continues to do so now.

Ask me again in a year and I might have different thoughts (depending on the day). For now, I'm excited about what is around the next corner and cannot wait to see where He is leading me. I also look forward to sharing this journey with the unbelievable people He has placed in my life who can remind me what I've said here today when I find myself in the less-than-enthusiastic camp...

Fear Conquered

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." - 1 John 4:18

These words, while a beautiful thought, have always sort of haunted me. They replay in my mind when I find that I have not quite conquered fear in my life (a daily...or at least weekly occurence!). I have learned to fight through fear and just go for it in most circumstances. And while this can be a good quality, I think it has largely kept me from experiencing what this verse really means.

As is always the case, my devotional brought up the same theme. I have found that when God is trying to teach me something, He exhausts all avenues. The same idea seems to surface everywhere I turn. When I finally sat down to ready my devotional the other day, here is what I found:

"When the story is over, the fear will be conquered; God will have delivered. The troubles will be mastered, and God will have freed the believer. The needs in life will have been met, and God will have provided for every need." - Dennis Kinlaw, This Day with the Master, August 12

I immediately called to mind the verse listed above. "There is no fear in love...perfect love drives out fear" kept replaying in my mind like a broken record. Those words and Kinlaw's words convicted me and caused a longing to awaken in me. The refrain is not unfamiliar to me...

I kept thinking...I want fear to be conquered in my life now. I want to be freed from worry and fear now. I want my needs to be met now. I just want to live free in the now.

Then it happened. I had what I like to call a "mini-ephiphany." A moment of absolute clarity where it all just comes together for me. I don't imagine it will be earth-shattering for many of you but I thought I'd share it anyway.

As I sat and reflected about that verse and what I had read in my devotional, it all just began to make perfect sense to me. I don't have to conquer fear. I don't have to try and free myself from worry. I don't have to know how everything is going to work and how. It is not up to me to have that perfect love that drives out fear. I just have to cling to the One who does...

It occurs to me that I might be making sense to no one but myself at this point, so let me put it differently. It seems to me that the verse should read (at least in our minds), "There is no fear in love because God is love. God, who is perfect love, drives out our fear. He drives it out because fear has to do with punishment and those of us who love and live in God know that this is not the end of the story. We need not fear because we are covered by the perfect love of God."

I knew it before, but it became clearer to me the other day...it is not up to me. I'll still have fear here and there, but I need not try to conquer it on my own. I'll just allow myself to be embraced by the One who embodies the perfect love and has the power to drive it out.

I'm done fighting through my fears on my own. Where has it gotten me anyway? Maybe it has made me a little "tougher" or (worse) given me some sense of false pride in my ability to overcome. It never lasts...and it shouldn't.

I am determined to live free in this life. I believe I can, not because I have the power to do so, but because I know the One who does. And there is no fear in Him...

A Glimpse of Jesus

"God is tender and loves us as just as we are, not in spite of our sins and faults, but with them. God does not condone or sanction evil, but he does not withhold his love because there is evil in us. The key to this understanding is the way we feel about ourselves. We cannot stand or accept love from another human being when we do not love ourselves, much less believe or accept that God could possibly love us." -- Brennan Manning, A Glimpse of Jesus

I am currently reading A Glimpse of Jesus by Brennan Manning. I loved Ragamuffin Gospel and every thought I've ever read by this remarkable man. This book is no exception. I read Ragamuffin Gospel relatively quickly because it was so good. While this book is equally as good, I am reading it slowly. In part because I have been a bit busy as-of-late. But mostly because of the subtitle. The whole title reads like this: A Glimpse of Jesus: The Stranger to Self-Hatred.
Wow.

While I don't hate myself, I know it won't surprise my handful of readers to hear me confess that I have difficulty receiving love. From God or anyone, really. I look at others who struggle the same and I cannot understand it. I have no trouble seeing how other people (even ones who frustrate me!) are deserving of love. I just have trouble receiving it myself. And the Lord has (humorously) surrounded me with an unbelievably loving family, loving friends, and companions on this journey. He is desperately trying to show me how he loves me through others. And I know that he does...I just don't know that I know that I know.

I venture to say many of you feel at least partially the same. Or maybe you don't. Either way, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. It is a lingering difficulty in my life. It has been alleviated during brief seasons in my life, but it still seems to loom behind me. I long to be set free of this feeling and I believe that God desires that for me (and you!). But how?

For now, I am learning a lot from this book and what Manning pulls from the Word. I feel layers being lifted and I am loving it, but I have a long way to go!

Freedom and Relief

The subtitle on my blog says that it will be about life, faith, and living free. That said, I thought this quote was worth sharing. Enjoy...

"My praying friend, continue to make known your desires to God in all things. It is when we can speak with one another about anything and everything that conversation really affords us freedom and relief. Let Him decide whether you are to receive what you ask for or not." - O. Hallesby

Living Free

"If God is God at all, he must know more about our needs than we do; if God is God at all, he must be more in touch with the reality of our thoughts, our emotions, our bodies than we are; if God is God at all, he must have a more comprehensive grasp of the interrelations in our families, communities, and nations than we do." -- Eugene Peterson, A Long Obedience in the Same Direction

The excerpt above comes from the fantastic book I am working through with my discipleship group here at Auburn. I am loving this book because it is thought-provoking and contains inescapable truths gleaned from the "Psalms of Ascent" in the Bible. I have been living in the Psalms as-of-late and have found this second read of Peterson's book to be so helpful. I encourage you to grab a copy today. You can find used and new copies online.

This particular excerpt comes from the chapter on service. The beautiful thing about the way Peterson thinks is that he always surprises you. His chapter on service (and Psalm 123) is more about freedom than anything else. He speaks a lot about how we as Christians talk about freedom, but not many people "feel or act free" (65). Why is this? Why do we continually allow ourselves to be enslaved by other people or things (legalism, money, etc.)?

One of my favorite hymns is "Make Me a Captive, Lord" by George Matheson. It is not a hymn you hear everyday, but the words speak right to the heart of what it means to be a Christian. To be a Christian is to be held captive only to Christ and not to the thousand other people and things that seek to enslave us. The first line says it all, "Make me a captive, Lord, and then I shall be free."

I long to be held captive only by Christ and to really live free. Free from so much concern about what others think. Free from legalism. Free from the temptation to judge or compare myself to others. Free from the idea that I am somehow Lord of my own life or that I have all the answers. Free to live fully in the knowledge that God is God and I am not and that is a good thing. This is what God desires for me and for you. I pray each day we move a step closer to the full realization that it really is "for freedom that Christ has set us free" (Galatians 5:1).

Poverty of Spirit

This week at Auburn Wesley Foundation we are deep in a season of discernment as to where God is leading us for missions in the coming year. There is a team of five students and the director who have been meeting for a number of weeks to pray about the direction we believe we should take. It is a beautiful thing to behold how this decision is approached with such tenderness, care, and prayer. I am humbled to be a part of it all and confident that God delights in such diligence in prayer.

Part of the preparation for opening up the process to the whole fellowship was a mission-oriented worship service on Sunday night. It was one of the most incredible worship services I have ever been a part of as a participant or otherwise. Two students shared about their experiences last summer in different locations (Ghana and Bolivia). Both did a beautiful job expressing what they learned, giving glory to God with each story of his faithfulness and their increase in trust. These two have remarkable depth...and now I know more of why!

One of the students shared something that provided the subject for this blog, "Poverty of Spirit." He spoke of how his experiences really stretched him in new ways and caused him to take a long hard look at himself. He read the following passage of Scripture...

"Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay." -- Psalm 40:17

He reflected on how he never really wanted for anything physically in this life. He could not relate to the people with whom he was working in their poverty and need. He realized his poverty was a "poverty of Spirit."

I didn't hear the next few things he said (sorry Joe!) because I found myself in that phrase and in Psalm 40:17. I have never wanted for anything physically, but I know what it is like to live in "poverty of Spirit." I don't want to live there, though. I want to live where the psalmist lives, in a place where all I want is for the Lord to "think of me" and know that he alone is my help, my deliverer, and all I want and need.

Still Learning

I went to see Donald Miller and Derek Webb last Tuesday night in Birmingham, Alabama. Let me begin by saying that I got there at the end of arguably one of the longest and most frustrating days of my life. I talked myself in and out of going all day long. I knew I wanted/needed to go. It didn't take long for me to remember why once Derek Webb began singing.

Derek Webb is amazing. I have enjoyed his music since the early Caedmon's Call days. This is due largely to the fact that he is a lyrical genius. It is not because he is smarter than the rest of us, though...so, genius might not be the right word. It is the best I can think of to describe him right now. He writes what everyone else feels and is afraid to say. I dig that about him.

His music is sometimes comforting (love/lament songs like Just Don't Want Coffee and Somewhere North), but mostly challenging (Wedding Dress, Lover, etc.). I am captivated by his voice, his lyrics, and his heart. He is incredibly honest about the struggles of faith and learning to love as Christ loved. It is at once convicting and encouraging. Last Tuesday was no exception.

I went to see Derek Webb. Donald Miller was just a perk. He is equally as honest and raw, just with words instead of song. Both inspired and challenged me more in two hours than I have been in a while. I loved it and am still processing it. As I make sense of it, I will post more and more.

For now, let me just say I am struggling to love as Christ loved, too. The more I reflect on how much Christ loves me in spite of me, the more I am able to love others. Some days are better than others...

...as ourselves

I have really been thinking about the commandment in the NT to "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matthew 19:19). I posted a quote a few days ago (see below) that started me on this path. I love what it says. I am a person of prayer and have learned the truth of such a statement in my own life. There really is nothing that causes us to love another person more than interceding for or joining them in prayer. When we really pray for another person (friend or enemy) we learn to see them through a different lens. We learn what it means to really love our neighbor...or at least what it means to see them as such. This has been proven over and over in my life.

The other part of this commandment is something we often overlook. It clearly says, "Love your neighbor as yourself." It occurred to me that we focus a lot on the first part...loving our neighbor. We tend to skip right over the as yourself. That has to stop.

One of my favorite professors in seminary, Dr. Chuck Gutenson, called me on this very thing. I would always begin my questions or comments in class with "This might be stupid, but...". In the middle of class one day, he completely called me out. "Julie, you have to stop. You have got to get rid of this "preamble" of yours. Self depreciation is not a kingdom value."

"Self depreciation is not a kingdom value."

He was/is right. It is not of God for us to put ourselves down. That is like calling God a liar. We were created "in his image" (see Genesis 1:27). If we are going to love each other, we have to start with ourselves. The "as ourselves" is an important part of that commandment we know so well. Let's start living it now...

Loving our Neighbor...

"Intercessory prayer might be defined as loving our neighbor on our knees." - Charles Brent

More thoughts on this in the next day or so...stay tuned!

Infinite Faithfulness

April 12, 2006

I ran across this thought just the other day and am passing it along to you all...

"Live in what must be. Do not live in your human imagination of what is possible. Live in the Word - in the love and infinite faithfulness of the Lord Jesus. The faith that always thanks Him - not for experiences, but for the promises on which it can rely." - Andrew Murray

This just jumped out at me..."live in what must be." And what is that but the love of the Father, poured out to us in the body and blood of His Son? This is a timely word in light of what is days away...Easter. I love the idea of the "infinite faithfulness" of our Savior. What a beautifully worded truth from a Saint long gone (Murray)!

May you experience the reality of his deep love and unending faithfulness this Easter and throughout the year ahead. May your heart overflow with gratitude as you reflect on His faithfulness in your own life...

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess, for He who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23