Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Charis in Chaos

I was just sure that I would have instant results from this counting to one thousand gifts experiment.  You know, feeling all light and airy and...well, all holy and sanctified.  I was thinking {hoping} I would immediately feel more at ease and more centered.

It has not been so.  I am enjoying it, to be sure.  As I write down the blessings, I do have real sense of just how blessed I truly am.  But the sanctification part that I was hoping for isn't really happening just yet.  I definitely feel my countenance changing.  Ever so slowly.  S-l-o-w-l-y.

I'll go ahead and confess a few things here.  First of all, I have felt a little guilty about the "quality" of the blessings I seem to be writing down.  Are they too materialistic?  Too much the same from blessing to blessing?   Are they authentic enough?  I also feel as if the counting of blessings is somehow worrying me a little.  Like, am I aware enough of all of the blessings in my life?  Or I only write down one or two at a time and this somehow makes me feel like I'm taking the blessing that is my life for granted.

And then I remember the book.  I remember her having trouble with this, too.

"Do not disdain the small," she said.  "The whole of the life - even the hard - is made of of the minute parts, and if I miss the infinitesimals, I miss the whole...There is a way to live the big of giving thanks in all things.  It is this: to give thanks in this one small thing.  The moments will add up."

I am not even to fifty yet.  I should just chill out and let the little graces accumulate.  I am hoping at the end of this I won't do this {as much} anymore.  You know, beating myself up over the small stuff and whatnot.

After all, "life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time."

And so, I begin again.  Counting the gifts.  Counting all as a gift.  Worrying less about what is written and just getting to writing it all down.  In the midst of the chaos there is charis {grace}.  I am finding it.

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