Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Living Free(er)

I would love to tell you that I am now at #200 in my journey to write down one thousand blessings.  But...well, not-so-much.  It seems I am terrible at actually writing things down.  There's been no lack of blessings, to be sure.  And I am most definitely more aware of the incredible blessings all around me.  Well...most of the time.

You see, I am human.  Very much so.  I falter...a lot.  Joy fades as I fail to take notice of the blessings all around me.  And when that joy fades, in walks bitterness, resentment and even a little rage.  I feel myself not being myself at all.  Filled with frustration, prone to despair, jaded.  I do not like what I see/hear/do.  I pull out the notebook and review.  So many blessings.  I grab a pen to write down more memory fails.  I cannot recall the blessings at first.  I finally recall a few and write them down.

#72.  Watching John Reynolds make everyone smile. He is such a charmer, that one.  He lights up Target, Country's Barbecue and every place he enters.  So precious.

I write this one down and s-l-o-w-l-y my focus is shifted.  I smile a little.  The world seems a little lighter.  Life seems much less serious and stressful.

#75.  Jason getting gas for me late at night so I wouldn't have to in the morning.

This is just a microcosm of the myriad of things he does for me/us.  He is just incredible.  The answer to all my prayers and more.  He does this for me and I think first of my ungratefulness.  Do I thank him enough for all the little things he does to help, to make me happy and hold me together?  I am sure that I do not.  I am also sure that he did not go get me gas so I would feel guilty about that fact.  He did it because he loves me and wanted to do something for me.  And so I receive it.  This is hard for me, the receiving.  I don't deserve it...kinda like grace.

Aaaand....I'm back.  I get it.  Blessings and the counting of them will always bring me back to grace.  Back to gratitude.  Back

Suddenly, I can breathe again.  I am a little more alive and a lot more aware of what is taking place around me. Blessings.  Too many to name.  So what if I don't always write them down.  They are happening all the time.  If I am not writing them down, I will not feel guilty or let myself get dragged down into the pits called guilt, despair, bitterness and the like.  Ok, I might.  I am human.  I will falter.  I'll just try not to let it completely ruin my mood when I do.  I guess that brings me to another blessing.

#78.  Moments of clarity that lead to {a little more} freedom...and a lot more grace.

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